So, You Want to Be a Caesar: A Republic’s Guide to Graceful Collapse--Chronicles of Collapse (with Jokes!)
This is the spiritual sequel to “Et Tu, America?” That one asked if we were Rome. This one assumes we are—and offers a handy guide to going full Caesar, with jokes to soften your existential dread.
If America were Rome, where would we be?
Let’s say somewhere between Caesar crossing the Rubicon and Octavian issuing loyalty oaths from the executive jacuzzi.
Because we are six months into Trump’s second term, and the Republic is no longer trembling—it’s auditioning for the role of “collapsed state” in a Ken Burns documentary. The Constitution is still technically on stage, but primarily as set decoration. We are in the "What If" timeline—and it's no longer hypothetical.
Let’s walk through the seven stages of how Rome slid from Republic to Empire—and ask, with one raised eyebrow and one clenched jaw:
Are we already through the gates?
1. Populism with a Side of Violence
The Gracchi, but with Golf Carts and Gallows
Tiberius Gracchus tried to help the people, bypassed the Senate, and got clubbed to death. That’s what Romans call “campaign finance reform.”
Here, we have Trump 1.0, who bypassed policy in favor of populist grievance—and then we got January 6th, which turned out not to be the end of the experiment but the warm-up act. It was a beta test. And America failed.
Fast forward:
In 2025, dozens of January 6th convicts are now pardoned, and a few have taken jobs in the administration. This is not a metaphor. It’s a personnel chart.
And when protests broke out in LA? Troops. On U.S. soil. Again. So, yes—violence is now a policy, if it serves the leader.
Checklist for Collapse:
Pardoned insurrectionists? ✅
Political rallies with implied threats? ✅
Protestors treated like insurgents? ✅
Stage 1: Complete. No refunds.
2. Politicizing the Sword
Marius Militarized the Republic. We Just National Guarded It.
In Rome, Marius made soldiers loyal to him, not the Republic. Now?
Trump has done everything short of handing out red armbands at boot camp. Since January, he's:
Installed loyalists in top Pentagon posts.
Increased domestic troop readiness.
Called for military presence in “high-risk urban zones.”
National Guard troops now stand by not to assist the people, but to “monitor unrest,” which is code for: don’t protest too loudly.
And just last month, Trump suggested active-duty intervention in Democratic-run cities facing protests—a threat wrapped in a flag.
Checklist:
Generals as political pawns? ✅
Military morale tied to political loyalty? ✅
Law enforcement purged of “disloyal” officials? ✅
We’ve not just politicized the sword. We’ve engraved it with a campaign slogan.
3. Emergency Powers and Revenge Governance
Sulla Would Be Proud—If He Liked Golf
Sulla took emergency powers “just for a bit,” then killed anyone with a mailing address ending in “Republican Senator.”
Trump doesn’t need a kill list. He has Schedule F, and a DOJ that knows how to read between the lines.
Since January:
Hundreds of civil servants removed.
Trump loyalists installed in agency after agency.
A special “Executive Efficiency Task Force” created to bypass federal norms.
What do they call it? Restoring Greatness.
What is it really? A systematic dismantling of every nonpartisan check left in government.
Checklist:
Emergency decrees used for routine policy? ✅
DOJ opened new “special investigations” into critics? ✅
Senior staff forced to sign “patriotic oaths”? ✅
We’re not draining the swamp. We’re chlorinating it and calling it holy water.
4. Triumvirates & Billionaire Bloat
Rome Had Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus. We Have Trump, Thiel, and Tucker.
Rome’s first triumvirate was a handshake deal among oligarchs.
Now? It’s Trump + billionaire backers + media platforms all in lockstep, casually setting national priorities from private resorts and encrypted chats. Legislative debate? Cute. Congressional hearings? Background noise.
The GOP is no longer a party. It’s a procession.
Checklist:
Billionaires naming Cabinet picks? ✅
Policy shaped on cable TV? ✅
Supreme Court rulings anticipated by tweets? ✅
Rome had marble halls. We have Mar-a-Lago WiFi and a spreadsheet of enemies.
5. Crossing the Rubicon, Then Live-Streaming It
Caesar crossed the Rubicon and sparked a civil war.
Trump crossed it in 2020, denied he ever lost, and now governs like a man scorned, with the legal apparatus of a second term behind him. He’s already said the quiet part out loud:
“This time, we won’t let them steal it back.”
Since January:
The 2024 election was “reviewed” by a White House commission.
DOJ opened cases against “election fraud conspirators”—meaning poll workers and Democratic officials.
Trump campaign staff now have security clearances.
Peaceful transfer of power is dead. We now transfer grievance, retribution, and merch.
Checklist:
Electoral trust in ruins? ✅
DOJ targeting election workers? ✅
Governors threatened with federal intervention? ✅
Caesar crossed the Rubicon. Trump just put toll booths on it.
6. Legalized Lawlessness
We Made Tyranny Legal—With Bullet Points
Rome’s second triumvirate killed with legal cover. Ours writes executive orders with legal fig leaves and calls it “patriotism.”
What’s happened since January?
Schedule F fully implemented.
Whistleblower protections gutted.
Pardons issued to convicted allies, including those still under investigation.
The “Freedom First Act” now allows the executive branch to override regulatory rulings deemed “anti-growth.”
You don’t need to break the law when you can just rewrite it before you act.
Checklist:
Rule of law politicized? ✅
Federal agencies weaponized? ✅
Legal infrastructure built around revenge? ✅
This isn’t law and order. This is law as order—your order, sir.
7. The Mask of the Republic
Call It What You Want—Just Don’t Call It a Democracy
Augustus called himself “First Citizen.” Trump still calls himself “President”—but only in the way the Queen of Hearts was a “judge.”
Since January:
Congress has been sidelined via emergency budget orders.
Independent agencies folded into Executive Office operations.
Routine public briefings replaced by rallies.
Opposition voices are monitored for signs of “foreign alignment.”
The forms of democracy still exist. The function? Not so much.
Trump gets standing ovations on the Senate floor. The Supreme Court mostly nods along. Governors know better than to cross him unless they want a federal audit or worse.
Checklist:
Strongman rule with patriotic wrapping paper? ✅
Elections held but controlled? ✅
Checks and balances now just “decorative”? ✅
We are no longer debating policy. We are roleplaying the Republic.
Final Curtain Call:
"Et Tu, Liberty?"
We are no longer asking if we are Rome.
We are Rome.
Not the idealized one on marble coins—but the real one, post-consulship, mid-crackdown, where laws serve men and truth is whatever the princeps said into the microphone this morning.
There is still time—but not much.
If the American people don’t remember what the Republic meant, the Empire will be happy to remind us what submission looks like.
In Latin. On parchment. Signed in executive ink
Further reading:
Brilliantly stated with such clarity and heartbreakingly true. 🥲